Horse people have a practice when their horses shy away from something, a boulder in Ernie’s case, in fear: they make their horses stop, look at the object and sniff it until they understand that it’s not something that’s going to harm them. Once the horse’s defenses go down – he stops snorting and his breathing returns to normal, they walk on. The controlled exposure in a safe environment helps them get past their fear – at least until they come upon the next big scary boulder along the trail.
Strangely, I find myself in similar situations lately. Flash back to Monday night…
I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay home and relax. It would have been so outside my character to play hookie from BSF. In addition to our regular class, our small group was gathering for dinner fellowship that night. I really didn’t want to go to fellowship because we always share pretty deep inner thoughts, feelings or shortcomings. I definitely didn’t want to go there.
Walls
During an afternoon run, however, I saw my resistance to BSF and fellowship as another wall I was putting up to protect myself from being known, hurt or disappointed. It’s a well-rehearsed routine for me that’s brought me a lot of acquaintances but very few deep friendships. I don’t let people see the “real” me because the real me is imperfect. The result is loneliness and isolation.
I realized I need to break down the walls. In Romans 12, Paul gives us a model for Christian living. It is a life of selflessness, love and relationships. My walls make my life inconsistent with Christianity.
Last week, I faced a similar situation at a church class. The leader mentioned passing out everyone’s contact information so we could connect between classes. My guard instantly went up. I thought, “I don’t want everyone having my information.” “I don’t want anyone calling me at home.” Again, I was shying away from connection for fear of getting hurt.
Safe Places
I went to BSF and fellowship on Monday night and I’m also going to let my church group have my phone number. I know these places are safe places to be vulnerable and become more comfortable connecting with people. It’s a controlled, safe situation where I can learn – just like our horses – that the source of my fear is not going to hurt me. Not every situation, not every group, however, is safe. BSF and my church group are safe because both abide by confidentiality. Both surround me with other Christians who will help me trust in God’s grace and strength to overcome my weaknesses. As I learn to be more vulnerable in these safe situations, it will become more comfortable in other areas of my life as well.
Positive Reinforcement
By the way, I was so uplifted by going to BSF on Monday. I felt rewarded for choosing to let people in. Just like with a horse, positive reinforcement goes a long ways in adopting a new behavior.
Romans 12:9-18 (NLT): Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
