My favorite rides with Ernie are the ones when he and I seem to be on the same page. He follows my cues, is relaxed and doesn’t fight me. Those days I enjoy the scenery, people and activity around me, and the blissful union with my horse. I wish every ride were like this.

Some rides, however, look much different as I’ve said before. It’s a familiar story if you read “Teachings” with any regularity. At times, Ernie nervously prances. Chomps on his bit. Aggressively and suddenly turnarounds toward home or the trailer. In those situations, there’s no way for us to avoid conflict because his will and mine are not in alignment. My views and expectations are not necessarily what he sees as right for him.

Confrontation ensues.

I try to coax him to relax and understand my desires. Sometimes, in an effort break him of his bad habits, I spin him around in circles until he sees that it’s best to listen to me rather than ignore me. I redirect him away from the barn or trailer so he doesn’t get his way. Letting him continue in his behavior would just further frustrate and anger me. It would leave me feeling disappointed and resentful toward my horse. I have to confront his behavior. After confronting his behavior, I sometimes see that the best way to come into agreement with Ernie is to drop the reins (see previous post: Holding Tightly to the Reins.)

Conflict is Unavoidable
In our human relationships, it’s also true that we cannot avoid conflict. People’s expectations, opinions and desires all differ, so what is right for one person may conflict with someone else. Conflict is not wrong – it’s normal. All too often, however, we avoid confronting the conflict to spare ourselves the discomfort of disagreement and the potential to hurt another’s feelings.

Photo Friendly Horses by crowt59

We need to remember, confrontation is not always negative.

Sometimes not confronting a situation or a person results in bigger fractures in relationships, resentments and hurt feelings. Without addressing it, we could imagine the rift worse than it really is, exaggerating the problem and making it harder to confront the issue. Confrontation can actually deepen relationships when handled well. It can help two people see beneath the other’s surface to those vulnerable places that we all have.

The key to confrontation and resolving the conflict is to approach the situation with godly humility, respect and love for the other person and his/her feelings and opinions. Put yourself in their shoes. And don’t confront someone when you’re boiling mad. Your emotions are bound to take over and you’ll probably say something you’ll regret later. Yelling at Ernie never gets the result I want and yelling at our family and friends rarely brings about the desired outcome either.

Negotiation
It’s through civil confrontation that both sides may be able to negotiate a compromise so that one person doesn’t feel slighted and the other the victor. Sometimes through respectful conversation, we may conclude that we can’t come to agreement. Sometimes what’s best for one person isn’t the best for the other. That’s okay. We don’t have to agree on everything and we won’t.

The key to confrontation is to do our best to preserve our relationships in spite of the conflict. That’s only possible when we give up our right to be right and let love motivate our conversation and desires.

Questions for reflection:
1. Who in your life may you need to confront so that you can resolve a conflict and overcome hurt feelings or missed expectations?
2. What is the basis for the conflict? How might the other person view the situation? How do his or her expectations differ from yours?
3. How and when can you respectfully confront the situation in order to preserve the relationship long-term? I find rehearsing the conversation in my head or with a trusted friend helps me edit out comments that be hurtful or misconstrued.

Psalm 4:4 (NLT): Don’t sin by letting anger control you.
Think about it overnight and remain silent.

Zechariah 8:16 (NLT): But this is what you must do: Tell the truth to each other. Render verdicts in your courts that are just and that lead to peace.

James 3:17-18 (NLT): But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.